Diary of a Sleepless Night Bus

Our man John Bills brings us his latest blog from life in the Balkans but it is a far from being an easy ride!

Two weeks ago, in order to arrive at Split Airport in time to meet my dear Kate who was on her way out here for a 10-day Balkan awesome break, I jumped on the daily 12-hour night bus from Belgrade.

I figured it would be quiet and that I'd have a double seat to myself, and I could flit in and out of sleep. I was wrong. The bus was full, you were sat in the seat your ticket claimed you were, and that was that. I traditionally don't sleep well in a bed, let alone a bus, so I quickly realised there would be no sleep done here. Instead, I figured I would keep a diary of the evening. Here we go. This slow descending madness of a sleepless night bus.

8.30pm – The bus pulls out of Belgrade bus station, and we're off. 12 hours isn't so long. The border crossing is fairly early as well, so as long as I can get into a routine once we're on the stretch, this will be fine.

9.00pm – The mood is good on this bus. The ticket man has been going up and down since we left Belgrade offering sweets to all and sundry. They are pretty good sweets as well, not wine gum good but still more than acceptable. This ain't so bad after all.

10-11pm - Borders. I've crossed this border probably 20 times in my life, but for some reason it always makes me nervous. I know there is nothing wrong with my luggage, I know there is nothing wrong with my registration, I know there is nothing wrong at all. I've watched way too many episodes of 'Banged Up Abroad' though, and I know that if something is wrong I need to remember this bit in particular, as getting caught is a big part of the show. So I start to come up with witty things to say when I get caught, despite having absolutely no crime in me at all. I also have no wit. The border is crossed without a hitch.

11.20pm – We stop at a petrol station. Everyone instantly files out in order to use the toilet, as even old Balkan folk know the important rules of travel. The bus stops for 15 minutes, so I use that time to do a few stretches and wake up my limbs. I quickly get really into this, as if every time I stop I stretch myself to keep limber. My stretches get elaborate, my face a picture of stony intensity. I quickly realise I'm the only person stretching, and am overcome with shame. I stop stretching. I have nine hours to go.

Midnight – It seems that everyone on the bus has fallen asleep. I decide to air drum.

1.10am – I'm still air drumming, but am slowly paying more and more attention to what is outside. The Balkans is full of rivers, and they have a strange glistening peace in the night time. Even the smock stacks off in distant towns look peaceful, as if they are causing no harm whatsoever to anything. It is testament to the beauty of this region that it even looks wonderful in the dark. We pass Jasenovac. We're still not even half way through, and the road only has us and trucks on it.

1.41am – For the first time in the evening, Split appears on a sign. So does a town called Krapina, and I can't help but chuckle. Split is only 407km away. Not far right? I have one beer left in my bag, and begin to decide whether to risk drinking it. It is getting warmer all the time, and warm beer is horrific, so it needs to go soon. I need to time it so that when I finish, the stop isn't far away, because I'll certainly need the toilet. I also need to open it quickly, as I don’t want to wake anyone up. Oh so many questions. At 1.44am, I crack it open, and decide to drink it slowly in order to lessen the need to wee.

1.48am – Beer is finished. Hmmmm.

2.00am – We stop at a petrol station. Never in doubt, I am oh so relieved.

2.30am – 4am – Absolutely nothing of any interest to anyone in the entire world happens. I stare outside for a bit. I then stare forwards for a bit. Someone on the bus is snoring, but I'm so zombified that I can't even begin to care about that, and I hate snoring.

4.00am – We stop at a motel restaurant place for half an hour. The place is full of really weird taxidermy, mostly of bears but also with the odd (and I mean odd) raccoon or what looks like a dog, but could just as easily be a bat with legs. The waitress refuses to give me the wifi password, and I'm too confused and sleepy to argue. I buy a Twix out of sheer confusion.

5.30am – The sun is rising and we are up in the hills. Everything is so immensely green, it is wonderful. We go through Gracac and Grab, and the beauty makes me feel a bit better. It doesn't stop me going through a few yawning fits however.

5.42am – We go through Otric, and what can only be described as one of the most stunning valleys I have ever seen. Just completely jaw dropping, lush green everywhere. This is tropical, in the middle of Europe. And in a perfect composition of the Balkans, the war becomes visible once again.

6.10am – We stop in Knin. It is picturesque in a totally miserable way, and the rain is bucketing down. The entire town smells of eggs, for whatever reason. I have about two hours left on this bus, and my head is beginning to sway around. I've started asking myself questions that usually wouldn’t enter my mind, such as whether I could ever truly be in control of an Arctic lorry.

6.11am – Seriously, the egg smell is terrible.

8.25am – We arrive in Split, 35 minutes early. This is a blessing in disguise, as I can't actually check into the apartment until 10.45, so it just means I have an extra 35 minutes wandering around Split like some sort of bearded Zombie. I do just that, stopping only to stare at the sea for a bit. I look homeless. The palm trees add an exotic element to it all (see picture). Never again.

In conclusion, my advice to you is that if you ever have to get a night bus, don't get the night bus.